Wanted: A Housewife

I may not be the WORST housewife in the world yet, but I’m well on my way. After I started staying home with my girls over a year ago, I was the BEST housewife I could be. I cleaned, I folded, I had a schedule, and I even cooked. Really. Shocker to me, too. But then, that got to be boring really quickly. So, during nap time, I started selling stuff on eBay. That worked its way into being my obsession: my online store.

Now, one year later, my house has been neglected. Examples:

Morning routine:

P wakes up, does bathroom stuff (no details, please, ladies), opens drawers, naturally, looking for clothes. Sees no clothes, walks groggily to the laundry room. Searches in pile of clean, unfolded laundry (sometimes in vain) for clothes. Finds said wrinkly clothes, uncovers shoes from pile o’ family shoes, digs out wallet and cell phone from pile of crap on counter, walks around toys, dirty clothes, business boxes, snakes his way through the “cluttered” garage, and off to work he goes.

A wakes up, see steps 1-10, except #3 – I already know there are no clothes that fit (a whole other story: see below) to find in drawers or closet, searches in pile of said clean laundry for 2 sets of semi-matching clothes for NaNa & Bear, searches for clean plate, prays there are frozen pancakes or French toast, searches for clean sippy cups hoping there is milk, feeds children. See steps #11-17. Loads children in to roll in the T&C (Town & Country – I spent the extra $400 for the upgrade) hoping nothing is rotting under a seat (has happened more than once) or anything crawling on the floor.

This post seems so cluttered. Ha! I didn’t even think of the irony when I thought that in my brainy brain!

Before I get lost in the clutter of this blog like I’ve created for myself (see: picture below), I’ll stop with my plead for a housewife. PLEASE! I need a live-in maid, babysitter, and cook; better known as a housewife. Mom? Are you reading this? I pay homage to my mother for being the BEST housewife a man (my father) could ever desire. And, for giving me something to live up to and hate myself for not being.


As a plus-size woman (yes, I finally accepted my fashion/society status after Bear), there really isn’t much of a selection from which to choose in the affordable clothing realm. Avenue is good, Old Navy online has selections, and Lane Bryant is good, but too expensive. But, growing into a size !* can cost a pretty penny. When you see yourself walking by a window wondering who the pregnant girl is, then realizing it’s you un-pregnant, you realize you need new shirts. (BTW – as a lazy person, it doesn’t mean lose weight, it means buying new clothes.) So, as you (I) grow slowly, clothes begin to not fit as the did when you bought them. So, I have about 5-6 shirts and 4-5 capris/shorts to wear that’s fit for being out of the house. And when you’re (I’m) lazy, that means digging through the clean laundry pile, hoping there is something to wear, that you (I) didn’t just wear 2 days ago. (It wouldn’t be 1 day ago b/c the chances of the clothes you just wore being clean are 1000 to 1, unless my mom (see: above) is in town.)

Man, I use a lot of parentheses.

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3 Responses

  1. Hmmm…something about this seems so familiar…

    Right now I’m sitting on my couch with my lap top looking at a family room in desperate need of some TLC and wondering who’s going to do it. This morning it’s not me.

    You should see my laundry room right now. If I were brave like you I’d take a pitcure of it but I fear I would lose friends. It’s that bad. It makes your picture pale in comparison, I promise! 🙂

  2. I had to get up at 6 am and clean my kitchen this morning because there was a smell coming from it…..and I’m not a morning person. I didn’t get home until 9 last night from work, so I should have made the hubby and kids clean it up, but I’m nice like that.
    I found your blog from Crystal’s….anyone who likes JT(he’s my secret crush) and deals with the same weight problems as me is alright in my book!

  3. I use a ton of parenthesis too!!! I call them asides. Sometimes I think the best part resides within the parenthesis.

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