Coming from Dawn’s post looking for Niceville?

Yes, it’s a real place – Niceville, FLMullet Festival

Yes, you can attend the Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival every October. It celebrates the fish, not the hairdo. But I’ll guarandamnteeyou you’ll see hundreds of mullet haircuts. I’ll see you there!

Yes, I lived there from age 2-19. My parents still live there where my dad calls “paradise.”

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The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly: My take on the VMAs

Oh, MTV, why do you taunt me so? You hyped and hyped Britney. Why? So I would make sure to watch. You did your job. I’m watching. Now this is what I think:

Sarah Silverman – O.M.G. I about peed myself. She is the bravest chick since sliced bread. I love her comedy, not so much her TV show, but I love watching her KILL. And she SO delivered tonight.

Step-Daddy Justin Timberlake (see: earlier post) – He KILLS no matter what he does. But, MTV, why do you tease me with 1/2 a performance in a crowded hotel room? I want a PERFORMANCE! Lights, camera, action. Not a half-assed hotel-room party sing-along. WAIT – he closed the show. It was a good performance, could have done w/o Nelly Furtado.  I’m guessing she took the place of Britney.  I really hoped she was going to show up with him, but no.

Kanye West – I’m not a huge hip-hop girl, but I love his music. But, again, where is the PERFORMANCE? Just Mr. West walking around the Playboy suite with slutty girls and fratboy white guys trying to get camera face time. Despite the crappy hotel room setting, good job, Mr. West. I will be listening to your new album this Tuesday.

Chris Brown – Again, not a huge hip-hop girl, but watching him dance is somewhat of a religious experience. Highlight – he did a 30-second Michael Jackson homage dance to Billie Jean. I had CHILLS. Michael Jackson’s dancing is back in the form of Chris Brown.

Linkin Park – Finally a performance with lights, cameras, AND action! And no lip-synching!

Alicia Keys – Great performance, but if you’re going to perform George Michael songs, bring George Michael out! She did a fabulous performance, but add GM to it, I would have stood up and celebrated.

Miss Teen USA So. Carolina – At least she can make fun of herself. And such as.

Taco Bell Cheesy Beef Burrito Commercials – I’m a big-time Taco Bell fan (see: Fat Girl), and the first time I saw the commercial, I thought I might give it a try. Now, after seeing it 1001 times tonight, it looks more grody every time I see it.

Britney Britney Britney – I had such high hopes. Chriss Angel magic (where was it?), sneak peaks at the practice performance (looked just like the actual performance), partying late last night (we could tell). I really was hoping for a comeback. I think what we all got was a let down. Poor, poor BritBrit. Someone please get to Britney Spears and help her. From what it looked like from my recliner, you were holding your head so gently b/c the room was still spinning from your hangover.

To sum, I miss the times way back when I was in high school when I’d look forward to the VMAs for weeks, then stay up late watching. Every year, I hope for a shocker, and something to talk about.

All I want to do is find out what happened between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. And kiss JT.

I’m a Size 4!

Lane Bryant JeansTo my surprise, I went to LB today just hoping to get a few new mom shirts (comfy, yet kind of stylish for the everyday trip to Publix, Target, & dinner), but I found, to my JOY, I’m now a size 4!

Well, in the new Right Fit sizing at Lane Bryant. I just like saying, “I’m a size 4.”

They had a whole section on their new sizing for curvy (ahem) women that is supposed to fit every curvy (ahem) body type. According to Stacey and Clinton, and now Tim & Veronica, you should try on lots of different jeans to find just the right pair. I usually just try on 1 or 2, get pissed at myself, and leave the store broken-hearted.

But today. Today was victory! I found jeans that fit! And leaving with a size 4 pair of jeans was the candied cherry on top. I ended up buying the Right Fit Straight Size 4 Petite (who knew?) dark wash jeans. Plus, they were only $39.95! For me, that’s expensive for 1 article of clothing. But, if they make my ass look good, and I can wear them for 6 months (I’m in Florida), they’re gonna be mine. I cannot WAIT to wear them!

Size 4… I just don’t want to know the equivalent sizing in regular jeans. I’ll just tell everyone I wear a size 4 and have them look at me funny.

BTW – This is NOT an ad. I wish it was so I could get paid, so if you’re listening Ms. Lane Bryant, I’m available. I’m just so happy I found these jeans. 🙂

Observations on a Weekday Afternoon

We tend to visit our local B&N at least 1-2 times a week. My daughters love reading the books, dancing to the new-agey music on the kiddie stage, playing with the car books (the ones with wheels – they go through some abuse), toying with the Thomas train tracks, and whining/crying/protesting (trying to put a stop to that one) when we leave.

On our visit last week, I started to really notice the other moms and kiddos in attendance to a regular, weekday afternoon visit to B&N. I then identified 3 of the 4 SAHM traits you see below:

1. Slutty Mom – This is the mom that has at least 1 toddler, and possibly a pre-schooler, in tow. You usually notice her first because of the ridiculous, non-regular, weekday afternoon shoes she’s wearing. This day, it was a pair of red, patent leather 4 inch heels. No joke. Scanning up, she was wearing TIGHT pants, and a shirt that showed more boobs that other moms at B&N care to see. The children of Slutty Mom are either the antithesis to Slutty Mom (dirty, old clothes with sequined flip flops) or dressed just like Slutty Mom (belly shirt or halter top, short skirt or shorts, and chunky sequined flip flops). There is NO exception to the dress code of the Slutty Mom child. The Slutty Mom’s child is either the LOUD child or the one who is too afraid to show him/herself.

2. Burnt-Out Mom – B-O Mom has an infant and a toddler/pre-schooler in tow. NO EXCEPTION. She most likely has another 1-4 kids in school at the moment. She’s dressed in her nicest sweat shorts/capris, baggy sweater/sweatshirt, and slippers. The slippers are the Isotoner ballet flats that may LOOK like shoes at first glance, but upon closer inspection, yes, she really is wearing slippers to B&N. NO MAKEUP – no exception. B-O Mom’s toddler/pre-schooler is normally well-behaved with the occasional outburst or book throwdown. He/She is dressed like a normal kid with a Blue’s Clues/Thomas/Princesses t-shirt, cargo shorts, and Crocs.

3. Bored Mom – Bored Mom is dressed decently with the latest Old Navy/Loft/Gap outfit with matching shoes. Her hair is nicely fixed, but not so much as to say, “I spent time doing my hair this morning.” Bored Mom MUST have a trash magazine that she picked up on her way to the back of the B&N kiddie section. Why? So she had something to do when her 1 toddler/preschooler ran around the kiddie section unsupervised eating and licking a chocolate chip cookie the size of her own face (no joke). Bored Mom MUST have a Starbucks in her hand the entire time she is suffering through her B&N sentence. Bored Mom will allow the other moms discipline her child, read to her child, and play peek-a-boo with her child without a single glance up from her OK! magazine. Bored Mom’s kid is dressed head-to-toe in an all-matching outfit straight from The Children’s Place or Gap Kids, including the latest Stride Rites.

4. Me.

The only thing in common among the #1-3 types of Moms at B&N is the vacant look in their eyes. It is the saddest look a mom can have in her eyes. It is what made me start my observation into the likeness among the three types of Moms. What could they possibly have in common besides having children? The vacant look in their eyes. I wanted to shout, “GET A GRIP! Show some enthusiasm that you GET to stay home with your child!” Millions of mom WISH they could be at B&N with their child, but they are stuck at an office. I have my moments when I want to leave them behind, but I still enjoy my time with my children. I realize (usually right before a kiddie meltdown) that I have the best job in the world. I get to spend the best years of my kids’ lives with them! To those of you who work outside the home, I completely understand. I worked for 2 years after my oldest was born. It can be just as hard, sometimes harder, as being a SAHM. But PLEASE enjoy them. Don’t be Mom #1-3. Be You at #4. Or, just Be All That You Can Be.

I think I’m writing this to myself to remind myself that it is the greatest job to have kids. (God, I’m trying to end this on a witty note.)

The View from Here

To go along with my post yesterday, I’m going to start posting pics from around my house.  Maybe it’s a call for help, or maybe it’s going to be cathartic.  Either way, I hope it gets me off my ass to clean up.

Below is a picture of my half-painted toes up on the recliner.  You can see the laundry basket of dirty laundry sitting under the TV and my laptop on my lap.  This is me.

My Toes

Wanted: A Housewife

I may not be the WORST housewife in the world yet, but I’m well on my way. After I started staying home with my girls over a year ago, I was the BEST housewife I could be. I cleaned, I folded, I had a schedule, and I even cooked. Really. Shocker to me, too. But then, that got to be boring really quickly. So, during nap time, I started selling stuff on eBay. That worked its way into being my obsession: my online store.

Now, one year later, my house has been neglected. Examples:

Morning routine:

P wakes up, does bathroom stuff (no details, please, ladies), opens drawers, naturally, looking for clothes. Sees no clothes, walks groggily to the laundry room. Searches in pile of clean, unfolded laundry (sometimes in vain) for clothes. Finds said wrinkly clothes, uncovers shoes from pile o’ family shoes, digs out wallet and cell phone from pile of crap on counter, walks around toys, dirty clothes, business boxes, snakes his way through the “cluttered” garage, and off to work he goes.

A wakes up, see steps 1-10, except #3 – I already know there are no clothes that fit (a whole other story: see below) to find in drawers or closet, searches in pile of said clean laundry for 2 sets of semi-matching clothes for NaNa & Bear, searches for clean plate, prays there are frozen pancakes or French toast, searches for clean sippy cups hoping there is milk, feeds children. See steps #11-17. Loads children in to roll in the T&C (Town & Country – I spent the extra $400 for the upgrade) hoping nothing is rotting under a seat (has happened more than once) or anything crawling on the floor.

This post seems so cluttered. Ha! I didn’t even think of the irony when I thought that in my brainy brain!

Before I get lost in the clutter of this blog like I’ve created for myself (see: picture below), I’ll stop with my plead for a housewife. PLEASE! I need a live-in maid, babysitter, and cook; better known as a housewife. Mom? Are you reading this? I pay homage to my mother for being the BEST housewife a man (my father) could ever desire. And, for giving me something to live up to and hate myself for not being.

Mess

As a plus-size woman (yes, I finally accepted my fashion/society status after Bear), there really isn’t much of a selection from which to choose in the affordable clothing realm. Avenue is good, Old Navy online has selections, and Lane Bryant is good, but too expensive. But, growing into a size !* can cost a pretty penny. When you see yourself walking by a window wondering who the pregnant girl is, then realizing it’s you un-pregnant, you realize you need new shirts. (BTW – as a lazy person, it doesn’t mean lose weight, it means buying new clothes.) So, as you (I) grow slowly, clothes begin to not fit as the did when you bought them. So, I have about 5-6 shirts and 4-5 capris/shorts to wear that’s fit for being out of the house. And when you’re (I’m) lazy, that means digging through the clean laundry pile, hoping there is something to wear, that you (I) didn’t just wear 2 days ago. (It wouldn’t be 1 day ago b/c the chances of the clothes you just wore being clean are 1000 to 1, unless my mom (see: above) is in town.)

Man, I use a lot of parentheses.

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Charlie Chaplin aka Anna